


Heart Begone

by kuonji



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor, Team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 17:23:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7396633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuonji/pseuds/kuonji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>"Oh no, my Dannyboy! My heart! My rose!" </em>Daniel's not dead. Jack's not a poet. Sam's the boss of them all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart Begone

**Author's Note:**

> Orig. Posted 2008.01.07
> 
> Alternative Links:  
> <http://kuonji14.livejournal.com/15257.html>

"Daniel! No, you can't be dead!!" Jack wailed. "Oh no, my Dannyboy! My heart! My rose!" He took Daniel's limp, motionless hand in both of his and shouted to the cold ceiling, "Oh god!"

Short nails dug into Jack's palms.

"Oh _goddess_!" Jack amended, continuing without losing a beat. "Why, oh why, did you take my beloved from me? At the first blush of our garden of ardent passion. The first step of our hike on the mountain of endless devotion. The first floor of our elevator of ceilingless love."

Carter, on the other side of Daniel's prone body, buried her face in Daniel's chest. The loud noises she started making were plausibly sob-like, but Jack would bet that some of the heaves of her shoulders were not grief-stricken ones. And he was just getting warmed up!

"My Danny! My sweet! My precious cream-filled turtledove! My Olympic flame of desire! My filtered water fountain of --"

The nails in Jack's palm were less subtle this time.

Luckily, before Jack had to make the decision between goading Daniel further and stopping himself from ruining their best chance of getting out of here, a guard arrived. Dark-haired and bushy-browed, the woman glared into their terra cotta prison cell.

"What is the matter here?"

Carter took point, as the only female in their group. "One of my men has died." Running over the guard's skeptical expression, she postulated quickly, "The goddess has struck him down for the great evil he committed, when he insulted your chieftess."

Jack wailed louder, beating his own chest for effect. "Oh goddess, forgive him! My foolish daisy. The dawn of my existence, eclipsed forever!" The skin around Daniel's closed eyes tightened, but otherwise he did not break character. "Nooooo," Jack moaned. If his hair were longer, he would have pulled it.

Carter, cool cucumber that she was, barely winced before continuing. "His mate wishes to perform the last rituals at the Great Ring."

Possible threats assessed and discarded (nothing but crazy people here), the guard relaxed into an attitude of disdain. She resettled her crossbow across her shoulders before replying curtly, "No. None for the likes of them."

"You're not going to let me send Daniel off?" Jack didn't pull off pathetic real well, so he shot for indignant instead. The guard looked supremely affronted.

"You think, having dared to speak directly to Chieftess Amaru, dared even to ask questions of her, this man deserves eternity with his lover?" the guard sneered.

"The goddess is merciful, and so should her daughters be."

Everyone stared at Teal'c, face passive, observing from the corner of the cell. The guard's expression was a cross between shock and approaching aneurysm.

"I will not be preached to by men." To Carter, she snapped, "Rein in your men or we shall do so at your cost."

"Hey, now." Carter hurried to appease her. "They're just a little touchy. All those hormones, you know." Jack made a note to make her pay for that remark. Later. When he was no longer playing her love-slave -slash- bodyguard -slash- burden-carrier. "My men have been together for years," Carter hurried to add. "They are _very devoted_ to each other." Her earnest doe-eyes would have looked sincere if Jack didn't know her so well.

That seemed to have some effect. A moment of -- not quite compassion -- maybe bemusement, of the aww-how-cute variety, crossed her dark features. The guard flipped her hair back and leveled a glare at Jack but no more threats. To Sam, she dipped her head slightly. "I feel pity for your having charge of such creatures."

"I don't know how I manage it myself sometimes." Carter nodded back, accepting the commiseration with altogether too genuine a manner, Jack thought. "All the same, I wish you would reconsider letting them have their last rituals together. They're a little eccentric, I'll admit, but they've done me excellent service over the years." Ha! "I don't want them to be separated in the afterlife."

The guard frowned, clearly on the edge of indecision. She opened her mouth, most likely to give an answer in the negative.

"Mistress!" Jack shouted, interrupting the not-yet-denial. Carter flinched in shock, luckily unseen by the guard who was equally surprised at the outburst. "If Danny goes to the afterlife without me, I swear that after I kick it, too, I'm going to come back here and chew out the hearts of all the people who kept me away from him."

Carter looked like he had gone bonkers, and Teal'c raised a loquacious eyebrow, but Jack was playing on a hunch.

A hunch that seemed to work, as the guard took a step back, covering her breast with one protective fist. Bingo.

Daniel had pointed out the painting to him (evidently done by some high and mighty priestess some-odd hundreds of years ago). It was a seriously creepy ebony and alabaster piece of wall art entitled "Lovelorn". Jack wasn't a superstitious man, but the idea of angry, blind, sharp-toothed phantoms prowling this aboriginal village wasn't too cheering a thought.

The guard collected herself but still seemed slightly spooked. "I do not think the chieftess will approve," she said, obviously wary of promises. She seemed affected by their argument, however, which Jack counted as a win.

"It wouldn't hurt to ask," Carter put in. "Believe me, my men are more than capable of causing mayhem while alive. You don't want to see them as ghosts."

Jack scowled, but the guard seemed to consider it as a sound point. "I will speak to my senior," she said. She glanced at Daniel's 'body'. "I will have an urn brought to burn his clothes in."

Daniel twitched.

***

An hour and a half later found Jack carrying the white-swathed, herb-stuffed, nude, and heavier-than-he-looked Daniel Jackson through the wormhole home.

"Gah!"

Jack wasn't sure which of them uttered the cry -- Jack himself as his knee finally gave out after hauling Daniel-the-mummy for the last twenty minutes, or Daniel as he crashed to the ramp and rolled a jarring five feet down the incline. The security personnel there trained their weapons uncertainly on the tightly-wrapped and groaning bundle.

"General, we're home!" Jack called, cheerfully. "Requesting an extraction team for the remainder of SG-1, sir."

Jack had to hand it to the General. It took only a few seconds for Hammond's expression of incredulity to resolve into one of efficient business. "Right away, Colonel. Debriefing in five minutes."

Whistling as he descended the ramp, Jack gestured to one of the defense team for a knife and used it to cut away the layers of pungent linen from his friend.

"Oh my god!" Daniel gasped, struggling out of his bindings with claustrophobic panic. He twisted his legs free, ignoring or not noticing the many stares at his less than clad body.

"You mean _goddess_ ," Jack admonished mildly, which earned him a deeply annoyed and short-sighted glare. Jack wrapped an arm around Daniel's shoulders and patted him consolingly. "Cheer up, honeypie. It worked! And now we're going to get our mistress back."

Daniel thunked his forehead onto one knuckled fist. "Can we just forget this ever happened? _Please?_ "

As Jack steered the both of them out of the gateroom, on their way to debrief the General and to (re)gear up for the big rescue(TM), he made a bet with himself how long Daniel would go before recognizing the baredness of his ass.

  
END.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this story, you might try these:  
>       [Animal, Vegetable, Mineral _aka_ Not A Transporter](http://kuonji14.livejournal.com/17537.html) (Stargate SG-1), by kuonji  
>       [I Don't Know Him](http://kuonji14.livejournal.com/10083.html) (Stargate SG-1), by kuonji  
>       [Tiggers Like Everything](http://pepper-field.livejournal.com/25112.html) (Stargate SG-1), by Pepper  
>       [Cheating the Other Guy](http://friendshipper.livejournal.com/167324.html) (Stargate Atlantis), by Friendshipper  
> 


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